Turn up the music and sing

So my husband started a new job where he works from 5 am to 3pm. He likes it and it keeps him busy. Well he turned in his 2 weeks working with our friend as a caregiver but was not able to work his last 2 weeks so I have been covering them. It's pretty easy and I can bring Kendyl. Our wonderful friend who use to watch CarLee is watching her for us this week. She lives about 15 min away from us so in the mornings I drive out there to drop her off then head straight to work.

Last night we ended up with all 4 kids in our bed by 3am!!! It was crazy and of course because I am already up a few times in the morning with Kendyl I was the one who got kicked out. Needless to say it was a long night and early morning. After I got everything dressed and ready for school I headed out the door to take CarLee. We talked the whole way there about what little 2 yr old girls like to talk about ha ha!!

After I dropped her off I was tired and having an internal battle with myself on if I should stop and get a Dr.Pepper or donut or really anything thing bad for me ha ha. I had to laugh at myself at how much I wanted to stop. Then a fun upbeat song came on the radio and I just had to do it. I turned it up loud and started singing and dancing!!! I was having a blast all by myself in the car singing at the top of my lungs. I realized that I didn't need that other stuff that would only taste good but in the long run make me feel worst all I needed was to turn up the music and sing. I love life's little lessons i learn or relearn all through my journey going from 3 to 4!!!

What do you do that quickly turns your day around or always puts you in a good mood?

Life in a Fog

Life in a Fog

So as I woke up this morning I was not in a good mood. I was tired, cranky and just didn't want to deal with anything. My kids (I am sure feeding off of my mood) were the same way. They didn't want to wake up and Karson was just mad at me about any and everything! He was mad that I wanted him to put on his shoes and when I said fine don't wear shoes to school he was mad at me for saying that. I was not going to win with him! So my bad mood and their bad mood made for a rough morning. My mom was taking the boys to school and I had to drop CarLee off at the baby sitters. (This was my last day working Clay's shift at his old job as a caregiver). Of course once Grandma was around they left the house smiling and singing songs.

I drove to the baby sitters in a fog. Didn't really talk to CarLee much didn't even listen to music. I was just so tired!! Once I got to work with Kendyl she was asleep and so was our friend I was working with. I sat on my phone doing nothing scrolling Facebook playing games. The TV was on and I was mindlessly watching Dr. Phil.

I thought maybe I am hungry so I ate some oatmeal and still didn't feel better. Kendyl woke up and I was holding her but not engaging with her just holding her. I felt this rush of emotion. What was going on!!! It hit me that my head was pounding. I had a migraine! Now I don't have anything against medication but for some reason I just think if I wait it will get better which is so not the case. You can ask Clay I will usually tell him my head has been hurting all day and the first thing he says to me is did you take anything and my usual answer is no ha ha. So as I realize that's why I was not feeling good I went and took something so this time i could say yes. A little bit later I noticed I was in a way better mood. I was playing with Kendyl, talking with my friend walking around ha ha and actually wanted to get ready.

I reflected on how many times we go through our day or life in a fog and don't even realize it. How we think if I just wait it will get better. But just like how taking  medicine helped change my day and lift the fog what can we do to lift the fog of our lives. Maybe it's as simple as getting on our knees and saying a prayer or admitting we need help with something in our lives. So my question to you is what helps you lift the fog and be present in your life? Do you do it daily? I would love some different ideas for this crazy mom going from 3 to 4.

A Very Special Weekend

This weekend was a very special one for our family.

Caden made the choice and was baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I cannot express the joy this has been for out family. What a great example he is for his siblings and cousins. Friday night as I was laying in bed thinking how there is no way I am old enough to have a child getting baptized I started to reflect on the last few weeks and the days leading up to this big day. I realized that Caden had been really difficult for me. He just would flat out ignore me which is not him. He was more whinny and super emotional!!!

Caden was about to make a huge step in his life. He was declaring who he is and what he wants to stand for. He believes in his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the advisory does not want that. I could tell that Caden was being tested by the advisory to try and discourage him or distract him on what he was about to do. But he did not win this time. Caden was so excited to be baptized and if ready to be accountable for his choices and actions. He is attended with the Holy Ghost.

When my dad took him to get his first set of scriptures they were on their was home and Caden looked at him with a big smile and said this is really all I need for my birthday.

Caden is a happy child who is very easy to please. He had not missed a night reading his scriptures and is already building up his armor of God!!!

The other exciting thing that happened of we got to bless Kendyl the same day and right after Caden was confirmed. Clay did an amazing job and was in tune with the spirit on what to bless her with. It was so great to have him be worthy to take part in these sacred moments with our kids.

My heart of so full of joy and gratitude for the love and support that family and friends showed for our family and Caden. This was a day with our first baptism and our last blessing. This is one of the moments I am loving going from 3 to 4.

P.S. I do have another son but he does not like getting his picture taken and I am the worst at remembering to take pictures with everyone. Ha ha

Ants and Gas

OK so we have two cars but really love driving the traverse. When Clay went to class the other night I asked him to leave CarLee's car seat just in case I decided to go anywhere. He was in a hurry so he left it outside. I didn't end up going anywhere and just left the seat outside. The next morning the kids and I were running late to school. I had gotten Karson and Kendyl in the car and buckled in the seat and then started getting CarLee in when I look down at her and she was covered with ants!!! I quickly get her and the car seat out. I take the car seat and start banging and shaking it to get the ants off. All of a sudden my oldest Caden stomps out of the house and says to me,"when I say I am not going to school I mean it!!" And he starts walking back into the house. I look up from my war on ants totally confused. I ask him why he is saying this and he says, " because no one will take me serious and I can't find my water bottle!!" I was so lost because I didn't even know he was looking for it ha ha. Finally after winning the war on acts and saving the day finding a water bottle we are all in the car ready to go (30 min late mind you).

I had decided to actually get dressed and do my hair and make-up. I was not in any hurry to get home. I remembered that the night before my gas light came on. So after I dropped the boys off I looked at the have and saw it was at the end. I pulled up at the pump and started to fill up the car. $2 in and it did off!!! I start it again and it keeps shutting off! I was on the phone with my aunt and she says oh maybe something is wrong with the pump so I get back into the car. I decided to go across the street to another gas station. I start pumping and it shuts off again!!!! What is going on. My aunt says maybe your gauge is broken and you really are full. I was a little upset because we have not had this car long enough for something to be broken already. I get in the car start it and start laughing. Yes the gauge was working and it was all the way to one side the full side. Ha ha ha Clay had filled it up the night before and with my crazy morning I just assumed it was still empty.

That must be what happens to your brain when you go from 3 to 4.

Clay's Story

Clay's Story

I realized with my first post I might have dropped a bomb for some and didn't really explain. I want to share with you all Clay's addiction story so you can see where it started from.

Clay and I got married April 15th 2006. When we met 3 years prior Clay was redshirting and College of Eastern Utah. After a year of school there his coach said they didn't have room for him in their program. It crushed him and shook his confidence in his ability. He took some time off of school and basketball.

A month after we got married I got a phone call at work that he was in an accident. He was doing construction and a framed wall fell and got caught on his work belt. The weight of the wall went through his legs and shattered his foot!! It was an eye opener to him on a few things. One that God loves and watched out for him. It could have been so much worst and he does not remember turning good body so it didn't hit his head. Two that life is to short to not follow your dreams and he wanted to play basketball.

After surgery and therapy he contacted an old coach and started working out with him. This coach was also a recruiter and helped people find places to play. He saw something in Clay and knew just the place for him. So we packed up our car and drove to Port Angeles Washington!! It was beautiful there and we were so blessed (I will have to share those stories another time) Clay was excited and ready to play. The first game of his college career he went up to block a shot and slipped on his way down. He fell back on to his hands. He played the rest of the game and when we got it looked at it was broken. He decided to play the rest of the season then had surgery after the season. This was where it started!

His sophomore year his wrist had not completely healed but he was determined to keep playing so he was on a lot of Tylenol and prescription pain pills during the season. When he was not playing he didn't need to take anything. After his sophomore year his wrist was still broken. So another surgery and then we were off to Montana for another 2yrs of school and basketball.

Again his wrist was not 100% so he and his Dr came up with a pain management plan. This time when he was not playing he still had pain and now a plan to deal with it, prescription pain pills. He would get a months supply every 30 days. Things were good. Slowly over time and as more stress was added to or lives there would be some months he would run out before his next refill. It would be a long few days or week.

When we left MT he was in the beginning of his addiction. It would be 4 more years of running out, stressing about getting more, random trips to the ER to get some, always thinking about them and getting like he needed one to do anything before he finally realized this was not how he wanted to live his life.

He knew that he was not taking them for pain anymore. Even though he was under a doctor's care and had a"reason" to need them it had started to control him and his every thought and action.

I am so proud of him for making the decision he did to get the help and get clean. This is a glimpse of how his addiction started. When he was in the hospital for detox he just keep saying I am so glad it didn't get as bad as it could have and I agree I am so thankful he got the help when he did!!!

This is the shirt quick version and I am sure I will refer to things again about tubes when he was in his addiction of how things are going with his recovery.

It's all part of the journey going from 3 to 4!!

Welcome to our journey from 3 to 4!!

From 3 to 4

We always said we wanted 4 kids. It was the perfect number and when we found out it was a girl it was even more perfect two boys two girls in that order. With it being #4 I waited a while before going to the Dr. I didn't really want to pay for them to tell me your pregnant come back in 3 weeks ha ha!!! By the time I went I was 16 weeks yes almost half way done!!! At 18 weeks they did an ultrasound and gave us quite a scare. We both have worked with kids/adults with all types of disabilities and my brother was actually born early and has cerebral palsy as well as a few other disabilities so we were not afraid of that but it was the waiting to find out just what we were going to be dealing with that was hard. 1 week later we finally went to the specialist and everything was fine!!! We were so happy our perfect baby for our perfect family! Everything was going great. I was feeling great, loved my job, loved my church calling and I was even doing better with cleaning and cooking. My husband and I were happy and so were my kids.

In April my wonderful husband finally admitted he was struggling with an addiction to pain pills and he wanted to get help. I had known the whole time but it was easier to just pretend everything was OK and move on, out of sight out of mind. Now that he admitted it and we were going to get him the help he needed i had to admit that there were things I had to deal with. Things were still good though he was going to meetings and so was I. I watched him go through detox in a facility away from us for two weeks then come back and face some demons and overcome a lot. I started to be more open with him about my own feelings on everything which meant letting my guard down. The pregnancy was going great and the distraction made me forget I was even pregnant some days ha ha that was nice!!! 

We were trying to figure out our living situation because our 2 bedroom apartment was not going to fit our growing family. During all this my husband was trying to decided what kind of career change he was going to make to better support our family. So we decided we would move and my husband would go back to school. We took a nice break and went to visit the in laws as our last getaway before our family grew. We traded in our Mazda 5 for a bigger Chevy Traverse so we could all fit in the car. We were ready to have a baby!! Before we knew it we were at the hospital having our sweet baby girl. She was born 7/7/15 at 8:20 pm weighing 8lbs 13oz. The birth was probably one of the most precious for us. I remember looking at my husband and seeing his emotion and love and realizing besides our first the other two kids he was still addicted to his pills and it numbed his feelings. Our family was complete. We had the whole weekend to just enjoy each other it was great then Monday came and it was time to be a mom of 4!!!

My kids are great and very active we were in a great routine at the start of the summer doing chores, swim lessons, library, homemade lunches, naps the works!!! Now we were stuck inside (we live in Arizona and in the summer it's too hot to play outside) I was recovering and nursing a newborn while with a 7,5 and 2 yr old all running around. While in my head I knew my only job was to heal and take care of our baby the super mom in me was ready to take it all on, pack up the house to move, keep my kids engaged, clean, cook and to be honest with my other kids I was able to bounce back pretty soon so I knew I could. My husband had to work some extra hrs so he didn't have his usual day off on Wednesday. I was good no worries I got this. Thursday came along and I was in my kids room yelling at them, I don't even remember what it was about but I do remember being so mad and upset and even slapping my middle child all of a sudden I lost it! I went into my room and called my husband crying! I can't do this I can't do it all!! I realized i was always yelling at my kids this week. Yeah they were not listening to me but I was really upset with them ALL the time. That's not me I am usually the calm one who wants to talk about things with them. My husband said he didn't expect me to do it ALL!! He was kind, supportive, told me to take a break from the kids they are fine to just play in their room so I can take time to myself. He also suggested I head to my parents where the kids have more room to play. Reluctantly I listened to him. I knew he was right but there was still that part of me that felt I guilty that I couldn't do it. 

Here all these great things were happening my husband had been clean for over 90 days, he was going to go to school, I was going to be a stay at home mom, and our baby girl was healthy so why was I so overwhelmed and upset all of the time! It's like I said earlier, in my mind I knew but it didn't help. I was struggling with postpartum depression and it sucked!! I had good days like when my husband was home or I was around people but the min it was just me and my kids I would turn back into that crazy mom yelling and getting upset so quickly. I have always been that person that was there for everyone else in their hard times. I would go above and beyond to help ease their pain and I felt like at my time of need I was alone. I would find myself being mad at people for not recognizing I needed help but I was pretending like I didn't need help so how were they suppose to know. I finally started telling some people but at the same time I down played how I was feeling. Even now as I write this it's hard to be so honest and vulnerable. For the last 6yrs with my husband's addiction I had to be the strong one and now I was feeling weak. I would watch my oldest try and be goofy and make us laugh but it would annoy me. My middle child was becoming even more defiant and just didn't want to listen which would set me off and he would get the worst of my anger. My daughter was so busy and always trying to hold the baby so I couldn't leave her out of my sight. I watched as my annoyance towards my oldest hurt him how my anger towards my middle just made it worst and he didn't seem to believe we loved him. I was hurting my family which just made me feel worst and the cycle would repeat!! I am still working through all of this and trying to keep my cool and take the breaks needed. It's only been two weeks since our baby was born and my Dr said this could last 4 weeks before they start to look at other options. I guess the reason I am writing this is therapeutic. I want to share it so others know they are not alone and we can come together to share our stories. I do love my life, my family and ALL of my kids!!! I have a testimony that my savior loves me and has not left me alone to deal with this. I want to be better and I hope by reaching out I can. I will continue to keep writing about how our family is doing going from 3 to 4!!!!!