Welcome to our journey from 3 to 4!!

From 3 to 4

We always said we wanted 4 kids. It was the perfect number and when we found out it was a girl it was even more perfect two boys two girls in that order. With it being #4 I waited a while before going to the Dr. I didn't really want to pay for them to tell me your pregnant come back in 3 weeks ha ha!!! By the time I went I was 16 weeks yes almost half way done!!! At 18 weeks they did an ultrasound and gave us quite a scare. We both have worked with kids/adults with all types of disabilities and my brother was actually born early and has cerebral palsy as well as a few other disabilities so we were not afraid of that but it was the waiting to find out just what we were going to be dealing with that was hard. 1 week later we finally went to the specialist and everything was fine!!! We were so happy our perfect baby for our perfect family! Everything was going great. I was feeling great, loved my job, loved my church calling and I was even doing better with cleaning and cooking. My husband and I were happy and so were my kids.

In April my wonderful husband finally admitted he was struggling with an addiction to pain pills and he wanted to get help. I had known the whole time but it was easier to just pretend everything was OK and move on, out of sight out of mind. Now that he admitted it and we were going to get him the help he needed i had to admit that there were things I had to deal with. Things were still good though he was going to meetings and so was I. I watched him go through detox in a facility away from us for two weeks then come back and face some demons and overcome a lot. I started to be more open with him about my own feelings on everything which meant letting my guard down. The pregnancy was going great and the distraction made me forget I was even pregnant some days ha ha that was nice!!! 

We were trying to figure out our living situation because our 2 bedroom apartment was not going to fit our growing family. During all this my husband was trying to decided what kind of career change he was going to make to better support our family. So we decided we would move and my husband would go back to school. We took a nice break and went to visit the in laws as our last getaway before our family grew. We traded in our Mazda 5 for a bigger Chevy Traverse so we could all fit in the car. We were ready to have a baby!! Before we knew it we were at the hospital having our sweet baby girl. She was born 7/7/15 at 8:20 pm weighing 8lbs 13oz. The birth was probably one of the most precious for us. I remember looking at my husband and seeing his emotion and love and realizing besides our first the other two kids he was still addicted to his pills and it numbed his feelings. Our family was complete. We had the whole weekend to just enjoy each other it was great then Monday came and it was time to be a mom of 4!!!

My kids are great and very active we were in a great routine at the start of the summer doing chores, swim lessons, library, homemade lunches, naps the works!!! Now we were stuck inside (we live in Arizona and in the summer it's too hot to play outside) I was recovering and nursing a newborn while with a 7,5 and 2 yr old all running around. While in my head I knew my only job was to heal and take care of our baby the super mom in me was ready to take it all on, pack up the house to move, keep my kids engaged, clean, cook and to be honest with my other kids I was able to bounce back pretty soon so I knew I could. My husband had to work some extra hrs so he didn't have his usual day off on Wednesday. I was good no worries I got this. Thursday came along and I was in my kids room yelling at them, I don't even remember what it was about but I do remember being so mad and upset and even slapping my middle child all of a sudden I lost it! I went into my room and called my husband crying! I can't do this I can't do it all!! I realized i was always yelling at my kids this week. Yeah they were not listening to me but I was really upset with them ALL the time. That's not me I am usually the calm one who wants to talk about things with them. My husband said he didn't expect me to do it ALL!! He was kind, supportive, told me to take a break from the kids they are fine to just play in their room so I can take time to myself. He also suggested I head to my parents where the kids have more room to play. Reluctantly I listened to him. I knew he was right but there was still that part of me that felt I guilty that I couldn't do it. 

Here all these great things were happening my husband had been clean for over 90 days, he was going to go to school, I was going to be a stay at home mom, and our baby girl was healthy so why was I so overwhelmed and upset all of the time! It's like I said earlier, in my mind I knew but it didn't help. I was struggling with postpartum depression and it sucked!! I had good days like when my husband was home or I was around people but the min it was just me and my kids I would turn back into that crazy mom yelling and getting upset so quickly. I have always been that person that was there for everyone else in their hard times. I would go above and beyond to help ease their pain and I felt like at my time of need I was alone. I would find myself being mad at people for not recognizing I needed help but I was pretending like I didn't need help so how were they suppose to know. I finally started telling some people but at the same time I down played how I was feeling. Even now as I write this it's hard to be so honest and vulnerable. For the last 6yrs with my husband's addiction I had to be the strong one and now I was feeling weak. I would watch my oldest try and be goofy and make us laugh but it would annoy me. My middle child was becoming even more defiant and just didn't want to listen which would set me off and he would get the worst of my anger. My daughter was so busy and always trying to hold the baby so I couldn't leave her out of my sight. I watched as my annoyance towards my oldest hurt him how my anger towards my middle just made it worst and he didn't seem to believe we loved him. I was hurting my family which just made me feel worst and the cycle would repeat!! I am still working through all of this and trying to keep my cool and take the breaks needed. It's only been two weeks since our baby was born and my Dr said this could last 4 weeks before they start to look at other options. I guess the reason I am writing this is therapeutic. I want to share it so others know they are not alone and we can come together to share our stories. I do love my life, my family and ALL of my kids!!! I have a testimony that my savior loves me and has not left me alone to deal with this. I want to be better and I hope by reaching out I can. I will continue to keep writing about how our family is doing going from 3 to 4!!!!!