It's been awhile

So I am writing this when I really should be asleep but it's just been so long I needed to take the time to write.
It has been a crazy crazy 2 months! I have been struggling feeling motivated to do anything hence my lack of writing. I started to reflect and realized how much I loved sharing my life and stories and that it was something I was going to make time to do again. Also I am ready to start being a Herbalife health coach again. I miss how I felt sticking to my plan and how it felt to help others. There are a few more exciting ventures I am working on but those are to be kept confidential for a little longer.
Anyway to to a quick catch up! We loved spending Thanksgiving in St. George with Clay's family and we even got to see his oldest brother. The kids had a blast and as always were spoiled with attention from grandma and grandpa! I love that I get along with my in-laws and that I really am comfortable in their home.
December came and went so fast!! Clay finished his first semester back to school and did really well. He is all signed up for this next semester then can hopefully apply for the nursing program. I the meantime he is working really hard and something I have always loved and admired about him is he always takes pride in his job and want to be the best at whatever that's is. In Washington it was the video store. Montana he worked at a mini golf place. He has had several jobs here is AZ and he has always been seen as a valued employee and someone they can count on. Ok i know a little side tracked but I just have to praise him a little!!
Also in December my parents bought a house and we all moved into it Tuesday before Christmas! It was crazy but all my brothers were around so we got it done. We are now slowly getting it all settled in and its starting to feel more and more like home.
I think that was one reason I put my life aside this last few months. There was some uncertainty, but now we know we will be here and I can work on making our space home. I do feel some guilt moving my boys again but I know they can handle it.
Kendyl has continued to be my pickiest baby or maybe it's just that I have 3 other kids to take care of. She loves to be held and just fights falling asleep.
CarLee is always keeping us on our toes. She wants to be part of everything and do everything. Just when she is driving you crazy she does something super cute so you can't stay mad. I think I am in for a world of trouble with her ha ha!!
Karson is well Karson! He was such a great helper during the move and since then with painting and any job we can give him. He still has quite the fire in him but he does love to help!
Caden oh Caden! I am in trouble with him. He is all drama and sadly I think that's how I was with my parents also. He also is one that was great playing with the younger kids but he did not want to help move in. He is nervous about starting school bit he will be good.
So there is a quick recap. I will do better and go back to at least 2 a week. Love you all and hope you have a great New Year's!!!!

Thanksgiving

There has been a lot that has happened in this last year and I am so thankful for all of it. Without my experiences and challenges I would not be who and where I am today.

I am thankful for my husband and best friend. We have gone through so much together and just keep growing stronger not apart. I am so proud of him for making some tough choices this year that will better him and our family. In December it will be 8 months pill free and he will finish his first semester back to school to go into nursing.

We completed our  family with the addition of our sweet baby Kendyl Rose! She is already strong willed and knows what she wants. She has a smile that will melt your heart and her siblings love and take care of her so well.

I have 2 kids in school now!! Caden is in 2nd grade and played his first season of flag football and loved it!! Karson is in kindergarten and is still my most challenging and yet rewarding child!

I decided it was time for me to be home with the kids again. That was a hard decision just because I loved my job but now I wouldn't change being home for anything! I started my blog which has been so fun and I am working on a new business idea to hopefully start this next year.

I love all my family and friends! You have all helped make this a year to be thankful for. I hope you all had a great thanksgiving where ever you may be!

Thanksgiving 2015 from 3 to 4.

Homework

So I am going to rant just a little!! Now remember I use to work in the education system and have also been going to school to get my teaching degree so I get it! I get that there is so much you are expected to teach without the time and resources. I get that parent involvement is important. So as an educator I understand why you have to send homework home but as a parent I HATE it!!!

My boys are in kindergarten and 2nd grade and I hate fighting with them to make them do their homework. To be honestly most of the time I don't MAKE them do it. Now when Caden was in kindergarten he had a monthly homework calander. Everyday there was something he had to do and then turn it in at the end of the month. I was working at the time and most of the time we were scrambling to get if finished by the day before it was due. The thing with kindergarten is usually you have to have the parent sit down and help them in order to get it done. So I would try and help him while working on dinner or multitasking folding laundry or something else. I was never good at giving him my full attention with his homework.

Now when Caden was in 1st grade it was a weekly homework packet. That was better but still we would be up Thursday night or Friday morning trying to finish.

This year is better for Caden because I think it's easier. He just has spelling to do everyday. Also he can do it on his own but we still don't always get it all done.
I just feel like after spending all day at school its hard to get them to sit down and continue more work. They already have less recesse then we used to. Kids just don't get the free/play time that I remember having. So I understand them not wanting to sit and do homework.

Then there is the nightly reading we are suppose to do. I know how important it is to read to your kids but at the end of the day when they are getting in bed most nights I just want them to go to sleep so I can go to bed. It's selfish but my days are long staying home with kids that at night I don't want to freak with it anymore.

With that all being said I know I need to work on reading more with my boys and I need them to know it's important to be a good student so I guess I better step it up and help them get their homework done!!! So there is my rant and resolution to be a better parent and make sure they get it done!!!

Jack

I am so so sad today!! Our dog that we rescued from the shelter about 2 yrs ago is going back. When we got Jack he was a loving dog. He followed the boys around everywhere. We would never go far from us. CarLee could sit on him and he would do nothing. About 2 weeks after having him CarLee came up behind him and scared him. She was at his level and he bit her. We were a little nervous it happened one more time after but he was not attacking her just a quick reaction nip.
We started being more cautions. And thing were good. He would sleep with the boys every night. Then a while later like months he started to growl at strangers if they came to the house. He even nipped at my aunt. So we started to put him in his kennel when people came over.

One day the kids had a friend over and Jack got out. Everything was OK then the friend got to close to his face and he reacted. I felt horrible!!! The bite was reported and he had to serve 10 days in our home in quarantine. Since then we always had him put away when people came over. He was good with family my parents, siblings their kids but just didn't do other people.

About 5 days ago someone knocked on the door. My brother thought it was me so he opened the door and the dogs ran out. Jack bit the lady at the door. Since my brother has some disabilities we are unaware of the details. No one was home. The lady was doing census stuff and was able to ask him her questions. When I got home he told me about it but she didn't leave any info so I had no way to check and see what happened.

Well fast forward to today we get a knock on the door and its animal control. The bite was reported and now Jack needs to go to quarantine. Because he was not updated on his registration he had to serve his quarantine at the shelter. I have been battling what the best choice is. It cost $30 a day to quarantine, $29 registration and $35 rabies shot. That's almost over $200!!! He had been getting worst and growling at anyone that comes over. I hate that he had to stay in a room when others come over and we can't take him anywhere. He still sleeps with my boys every night and is a great dog at home with our family!!

This is when we first got Jack

Update

We decided to keep him and work with him at home. I talked to a dog trainer and she was so kind to take time out and give me some advice. She made me feel like there is hope and we can get him back to how he was at the start. So now we have some things in place to help him and us. I want to do some training with him but it will have to be after the holidays since it is costly.

I know for some it would be a deal breaker but I feel like we made a commitment to be dog owners and we rescued him so we should try everything to keep him. I was not ready to break my kids hearts!! Now I feel even more determined to make it work!!

Ha-ha one more thing to add to the crazy journey from 3-4!!

Little moments

     Yesterday was a day of little moments. Moments that made me laugh, ponder, question, cry inside, smile and most of all feel grateful!!

     I know this happens everyday but I was more aware of the moments this time and it was a good reminder to appreciate all the things in life. I want to share a few of my moments with you!

     Laugh: my boys were playing superheros and Karson asked Caden how old he was. Caden's response 50 Karson says well I am 44 ha ha then they both decided they wanted to be 44!!!

     Ponder: I was talking to my mom and she mentioned how in her classroom's they are having/experiencing a lot of behavior problems. (She is over headstart so these are kids 3-5) the teachers are at a loss of what to do. The reality is these kids and kids everywhere today are having to deal with a lot at s young age. More then I ever had to between 3-5 yrs old. How much the world had changed and what can I do to help and raise my kids how to deal with life.

     Question: Karson had a melt down today after he got a toy at Goodwill and he found out it was not what he wanted. As he was having this major melt down I found myself questioning my parenting with him. I started asking questions of myself on what are his needs that are not being met and good can I help him get the help he needs. Theses are questions I dint have all the answers to but they are questions I need to ask so that I can help my son.

     Cry inside: my sweet Karson is struggling. His emotions are super intense and it is usually anger first. Today towards the end of his meltdown he started to open up and recognize his other feelings and he told me his body is just so frustrated all the time and that he doesn't like it when I tell at him. It broke my heart! This poor little guy feels so deeply but can't figure out how to handle it. He acts out and I end up losing it because he tries to hurt or bother everyone else and then end up adding to the problem.

     Smile: I got to hang out and watch my niece this morning. She was so cute and fun to have around. We went to a park and met up with my cousin and her kids and I got them all together to take some pictures!! They were so cute and goofing off. It made me smile!!!

     Grateful: this was the feeling I had most and ended the day with. As I lay here next to my sweet healthy baby girl I am so grateful for my family! My kids, husband mom and dad, brothers, sister's and friends. I am blessed to have great people in my life and to have an amazing life full of these precious moments. Moments that remind me why we are here to experience and learn what this life is all about!! Grateful I am on this journey from 3 to 4!!!

Being Mom

Let me start by saying I love being a mom and I love all 4 of my kids. They bring so much joy into my life. I love watching them grow and am lucky to be able to be an active part in their lives.

With that being said I really want to address the unsaid parts of being a stay at home mom to little ones. (I can't tell you how it is as they get older but I am sure it comes with its own list).

First you are NEVER alone!!! My 2yr old even wants to follow me into the bathroom. On top of that because i wipe her she thinks she should help me wipe!!! It's not like when I was working and I would be gone for 8 hrs then come home and enjoy all the time together. As soon as my husband walks in the door I usually hand him the baby and head to the bathroom just to pee in peace.

Second you don't have very many adult conversations and when you do talk to another mom it's usually about being a mom. I was driving with my brother and the girls the other day. I was talking to McKay when CarLee yells from the back "mom talk to me" ha ha ha like i funny anyway talk to her all day long!! At night I find myself talking to Clay about anything and everything and really trying to make my day seem productive and exciting but let's face it it's not.

Third it's hard to find a reason to get dressed. I mean I will get dressed do my hair and makeup go to the store then come home and get my sweats back on and that's on a good day. Most of the time I am wearing my sweats to the store. Why get all ready just to be spilled, spit up, and  popped on. I miss the days of getting ready and actually going somewhere without the kids.

Fourth not being able to explain what I do all day and why nothing is done. I feel like I am constantly busy but at the end of the day there are half started jobs all over. A half loaded dishwasher, laundry folded but not put away, one room picked up but not vacuumed, half a table wiped off ha ha even only half my bed made!!! It's because I start something then as I go to change CarLee I notice their laundry then I start that and noticed the table half way through that I have to chase CarLee before she gets out the door and so on and so on!

Fifth thing is the mom guilt!! Mom guilt is the worst. As a mom you want to raise "good" kids and be a"good" mom. But everyday has another challenge and I will be the first to admit I lose my cool more often then not! I will find myself yelling at my kids then the guilt comes in and its too late. My kids will fight and like fist flying fight and I can usually find some way to blame my mom skills. My kids homework is not done, they ate donuts for breakfast, they didn't eat breakfast, my kids don't know how to tie their shoes and the most can go on!! Pinterest is also no help if you are having a mom guilt moment. All the post about fun healthy snacks or creative things to do with your toddler. Most of the time I can get over the mom guilt and move on but it can be a debilitating thing if you let it. A little mom guilt might help you make a change for the best but to much will paralyze you from seeing the good you are doing.

So now that might rant is over I do enjoy being home with my kids. I know this is what I chose when we got married and started our family. During the hard times my mom tells me this phase will pass and someday you will miss it. I am sure that's true but I think it's OK and good to admit it's not always perfect and enjoyable. If you are a mom and you have never felt any of these good for you and please share your secret. If you have felt these feelings just know you are not alone I have been there many times and will be there more on my journey from 3 to 4!

24 hrs in a day

I have been thinking lately about how much I want and need to do and how it seems I don't have any time and energy to do any of it.

The things i need and want to do are not bad or even selfish. I want to do better with reading every night with my kids, I want to have a clean house, play with my girls, help Caden with football, teach Karson to ride a bike. I want to do my schooling, workout everyday, read my scriptures, do different projects, cook new Pinterest recipes ect....

So now that I am a stay at home mom why can I not "find" the time to do some or all of these things? I mean I have a hard time even scheduling Dr appointment's and paying bills. I find when I do get to do one of the things I want to do I feel like I accomplished something but then remind myself how much further I need to go and did I really make time for the important things first.

Recently I have been taking stock in my life. I have noticed that I don't have as much patience and am constantly feeling rushed but I don't have anything I HAVE to feel rushed for.

This is what I have realized. I have been letting my life run me instead of me run life. Sure life is busy with 4 kids a husband who  works 40 hrs then has school, kids sports, cooking dinner, laundry, dishes ect... But that is life, well part of life. If I step back and start to enjoy the busyness of the day I think the rushed feeling will start to fade. Yes there are things I need to do and things I want to do but I also think there is room for both if I just take control of my life again.

How do I do that? Here is some of my ideas.

1) get a calander/planner and have everything down. This way as things come up I can put it down right away and prepare for it accordingly.

2) plan and shop for meals ahead of time. Then when it comes time to cook I have everything and am ready. Also if I want to try a Pinterest  recipe I can have everything to do so.

3) declutter my life! Really prioritize what's important and what's not. Those things that are adding unneeded stress I need to get rid of.

4) every night make a to do list. Everyday is different and if the night before I write a to do list for the next day I can be ready to get it done.

5) last I need to do some personal development everyday and reflect on the way things are going and how the day before went.

So starting today this is my plan!! I hope it helps me take control of this crazy life going from 3 to 4!!!!

PS I would love to hear what you so to stay focused and gain control in your life.

Re comitted

About 6 months after I had CarLee I weighed the most I ever had without being pregnant. I was 175 lbs. I was tired, has no energy, would get headaches. Because we were both working and I didn't have energy I never wanted to cook which meant we ate out a lot and it was usually fast food.

A friend of ours was always posting things on his Facebook and looking good and feeling great. Finally Clay reached out to him and we got started on our Herbalife plan.

Clay quickly lost 17 lbs and I lost 15 lbs. We both had energy and I wanted to cook and be more healthy. Before I got pregnant with Kendyl I had lost 40 lbs and was 10 lbs away from my goal weight which before Herbalife I never would have thought I could reach it.

I continued on my modified plan while I was pregnant. I had a healthy pregnancy and my delivery and recovery was pretty fast. But I kind of lost my motivation and the last 3 months since she was born I have been back to my old ways.

I am 10lbs away from being where I was before I got pregnant. I am staying this publicly so I can't back down ha ha. I have the knowledge and tools to get where I want to be. I want to recommit myself to get healthy again. I know I can because I have done it before.

I am not so concerned with the number on the scale I just want to feel good in my clothes again so here is my plan. 2 shakes a day, healthy snack in-between, no more soda(except on dates), go to the gym 4-5 days a week and no more sneaking late night treats that will counter all the hard work I will be putting in. Welcome to my recommitted journey to get healthy now that I am going from 3 to 4!!!

3am

So you remember that one time your 3 month old decided that 3:00 was a good time to be awake yeah I do!!!

Since going to sleep around 11:00 tonight Kendyl had woken up 3 times and the third time she decided she wanted to be awake. Now at first I was fine. I knew she would go back to bed so I did the usual things that put her to sleep. Nursed her, rocked her, sang to her not working so I started pulling out the other tricks. Stand and bounce, swinging, swaying. I even made a bottle. Note she is not crying but just not going to sleep and wants to be held standing up.

By now I have gone out to the Family room so I don't wake up Clay. I am starting to feel like a zombie and just want to close my eyes. It's coming up to 4:00.

So remember that other time you got in a fight with your husband but he didn't know? Yep me again!! I started walking back into our room and every time I did I would see my husband sound asleep!! How could he be asleep when I am so obviously tired and dealing with HIS child. You know because anytime you kids do something you don't like they become HIS child ha ha.  I had 2 senerio's playing out in my head.

1. My husband awakes up all on his own to see how distraught I am. He then said to me I have had plenty of sleep and am wide awake (@4:00 in the morning) let me take this sweet child and you sleep. In fact I will go make you breakfast in bed when you are ready to get up. How does 10 am sound!!

2. I start making enough noise so he wakes up only to be greeted by what looks like someone who used to be his wife but with smeared eyes makeup from the day before and a messy pile of hair. I then will pretend like I had nothing to do with him waking up (@4:00 in the morning on one of his only days to sleep in). I would then mumble something about how tired I am and how she won't go to sleep. He would suggest the things I already did and I would just get mad because he should know that already did that. Then he would half awake offer to take her but because he didn't "seem" happy about it I would tell him I am find I can do it and stomp off mad and he would be confused of what just happened.

After weighting the different outcomes I grabbed my bag headed to the car and drive around the block until she fell asleep. I walked back into the house at 5:00. She had finally fell asleep so I climb into bed and went to sleep.

FYI when Kendyl while up again at 7 I did wake up Clay and he took her and made the rest of the kids leave me alone. I did get to sleep until 8:30 and had breakfast ready when I woke up!!!

So next time you want to fight with a sleeping spouse remember you are better off just waiting until they wake up now I know on my journey from 3 to 4!!!

Crazy CarLee

Growing up we used to have what in our family we would call McKay story's. McKay is my brother who has some different disabilities cerebral palsy if among them. A McKay story is one that just makes you smile or laugh. Well my mom now says she has CarLee stories. So I thought I would share a few from this last week.

1) I was driving to the gym in the car with McKay and my two girls. I was talking to McKay when from the back seat I hear a loud "MOM" I look and see she is OK and say "what?" Her reply, "Talk to me!!!!" (Like she doesn't already have my attention all day ha ha!!

2) Clay came home from work and we were talking and I said "do you have class babe?" Now CarLee was in the room so now she calls Clay babe!

3) She has not really gotten jelouse of her sister but she will definitely tell me when she needs my a attention. She usually says 'mom put Kendyl down hold me "

5) last one she had decided she can dress herself now and with that comes changing her own diaper. Here is a picture of her hard at work at getting it on all by herself. Oh and also she does not care if hat pants are on backwards. That's the other pictures and yes those are stickers on her back!!!

Oh my goodness she keeps me on my toes on this journey from 3 to 4!!!!!

Accepting Help

It's finally October!!! I love fall and Halloween. I love cooking chili, soups and fun different fall foods. It's so nice when the weather starts to cool down here. I can wear my boots, sweaters, leggings and scarves. Today it feels like fall. It's overcast and cooler. I decided to go take the kids to get Halloween costumes and then I was going to make chili for dinner. Just to celebrate the fall like day.

So I got the kids all dressed, both my girls wearing leggings. I couldn't find my boots but still wore something a little more fallish. Then we loaded up in the car and headed to Goodwill first to look at Halloween costumes. Didn't really find anything and Kendyl started to cry. I told the boys we will try a different store and we started to head to the door. CarLee was trying to climb out of the cart Kendyl was crying so I took her car seat out of the cart and CarLee got out then I tried to tell Caden to go put the cart away when a nice worker looked at me struggling with the kids and gave me a smile and told me she would take care of the cart. I told her thank you and was able to get all the kids back into the car.
Next we went to the used kids store. This time I strapped Kendyl on me in the carrier and we headed into the store. We found the costumes and the boys started to look at them all. Kendyl was still a little upset so I was trying to do the bounce. CarLee was running to the toys and the boys were trying to put different costumes on. It was crazy but then a store worker came up and have all the kids stickers and I was able to get Kendyl asleep and CarLee to pay close by.  The boys both decided that wanted to be Spiderman. We found then costumes and one was actually on sale so we naught them and went back into the car.
We made just one more store to go. On our way there I was talking to Clay. I asked him if he thought I could just leave the kids in the car while I go into the grocery store. Ha ha he said that would probably not be a good idea. He was right so we unloaded the car and found one of those "loved" car carts. In to the store were went. Everything was going pretty well I got everything for my chili and headed to the check out. Almost home free then Kendyl started to cry and not just a little cry full on screaming crying. I felt the stress start. They could not get to me fast enough ha ha! The checkout lady starts checking me out and I get the car seat out and start to swing it a little the boys are of looking at the candy machines and CarLee is trying to climb out again. Just as I want to scream I hear a voice, "Jenny can I take her?" I turn to see a sweet friend from church. My first reaction was to say oh I got it and go about trying to be super mom but this time I said yes thank you. She helped me get everyone to the car and even put the cart away.
After I got home fed everyone, got the chili in the crock pot and put the girls down for a nap I was able to reflect a little. I feel so blessed for the little acts of service that was offered to me today. It turned out to be a great day but so many times could have been really hard. Thank you to the store workers who went out of their way to give me a smile or just talk to my kids. To my sweet friend who was not feeling good and actually at the store for medicine but seeing my struggle offered a helping hand.
Next time I see a mom struggling I will pay it forward as a mom going from 3 to 4.

Here we are enjoying the nice weather at Caden's practice!!

Life lesson's through football

So my oldest Caden has been playing flag football. He was invited to play on a competitive team that has been playing together for years.

The coach is pretty intense but Caden loves it. It's something some kids can handle and some, like my Karson, would not be able to handle.

The other night we went to get him from practice and he came to the car looking upset. We asked him what happened and he told us that his team was not listening and he was the ONLY one who was so coach made them ALL do bear crawls across the field and back. He was pretty upset and said it made his legs weak and he felt like he couldn't walk. Now remember we do live in Arizona so even at 7pm it's still in the 90°. There was no doubt that his legs were shaky. Then he said to us it was hard! One of the great things about Clay of he is really good at being able to see life lesson's to teach our kids through their experiences.

Clay looked at him and said it's good to do hard things. Caden looked at us and said not for me. Clay then explained how in life we will have to do hard things and sometimes we are not the one who causes it but most of the time it's our choices that lead us to hard things. Clay then said football is a team sport and even if he had the best game ever without the rest of his team they can't win. It's like in life we should do and be the best we can but it will never be good enough without our teammate the Savior.

Then we asked him if he did it. He said yes! So I told him he will probably do it again and it will still be hard but every time he does it will get easier because he is getting stronger.

We will always have trials but by going through them we can come out stronger. Each time we do we know that we can get through it because we have before, the trials might not get easier but we get stronger!

It was a good conversation and teaching moment for us and a great reminder to me!! Here is one of life's lessons through football that I learned on my journey from 3 to 4!!!

Turn up the music and sing

So my husband started a new job where he works from 5 am to 3pm. He likes it and it keeps him busy. Well he turned in his 2 weeks working with our friend as a caregiver but was not able to work his last 2 weeks so I have been covering them. It's pretty easy and I can bring Kendyl. Our wonderful friend who use to watch CarLee is watching her for us this week. She lives about 15 min away from us so in the mornings I drive out there to drop her off then head straight to work.

Last night we ended up with all 4 kids in our bed by 3am!!! It was crazy and of course because I am already up a few times in the morning with Kendyl I was the one who got kicked out. Needless to say it was a long night and early morning. After I got everything dressed and ready for school I headed out the door to take CarLee. We talked the whole way there about what little 2 yr old girls like to talk about ha ha!!

After I dropped her off I was tired and having an internal battle with myself on if I should stop and get a Dr.Pepper or donut or really anything thing bad for me ha ha. I had to laugh at myself at how much I wanted to stop. Then a fun upbeat song came on the radio and I just had to do it. I turned it up loud and started singing and dancing!!! I was having a blast all by myself in the car singing at the top of my lungs. I realized that I didn't need that other stuff that would only taste good but in the long run make me feel worst all I needed was to turn up the music and sing. I love life's little lessons i learn or relearn all through my journey going from 3 to 4!!!

What do you do that quickly turns your day around or always puts you in a good mood?

Life in a Fog

Life in a Fog

So as I woke up this morning I was not in a good mood. I was tired, cranky and just didn't want to deal with anything. My kids (I am sure feeding off of my mood) were the same way. They didn't want to wake up and Karson was just mad at me about any and everything! He was mad that I wanted him to put on his shoes and when I said fine don't wear shoes to school he was mad at me for saying that. I was not going to win with him! So my bad mood and their bad mood made for a rough morning. My mom was taking the boys to school and I had to drop CarLee off at the baby sitters. (This was my last day working Clay's shift at his old job as a caregiver). Of course once Grandma was around they left the house smiling and singing songs.

I drove to the baby sitters in a fog. Didn't really talk to CarLee much didn't even listen to music. I was just so tired!! Once I got to work with Kendyl she was asleep and so was our friend I was working with. I sat on my phone doing nothing scrolling Facebook playing games. The TV was on and I was mindlessly watching Dr. Phil.

I thought maybe I am hungry so I ate some oatmeal and still didn't feel better. Kendyl woke up and I was holding her but not engaging with her just holding her. I felt this rush of emotion. What was going on!!! It hit me that my head was pounding. I had a migraine! Now I don't have anything against medication but for some reason I just think if I wait it will get better which is so not the case. You can ask Clay I will usually tell him my head has been hurting all day and the first thing he says to me is did you take anything and my usual answer is no ha ha. So as I realize that's why I was not feeling good I went and took something so this time i could say yes. A little bit later I noticed I was in a way better mood. I was playing with Kendyl, talking with my friend walking around ha ha and actually wanted to get ready.

I reflected on how many times we go through our day or life in a fog and don't even realize it. How we think if I just wait it will get better. But just like how taking  medicine helped change my day and lift the fog what can we do to lift the fog of our lives. Maybe it's as simple as getting on our knees and saying a prayer or admitting we need help with something in our lives. So my question to you is what helps you lift the fog and be present in your life? Do you do it daily? I would love some different ideas for this crazy mom going from 3 to 4.

A Very Special Weekend

This weekend was a very special one for our family.

Caden made the choice and was baptized as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I cannot express the joy this has been for out family. What a great example he is for his siblings and cousins. Friday night as I was laying in bed thinking how there is no way I am old enough to have a child getting baptized I started to reflect on the last few weeks and the days leading up to this big day. I realized that Caden had been really difficult for me. He just would flat out ignore me which is not him. He was more whinny and super emotional!!!

Caden was about to make a huge step in his life. He was declaring who he is and what he wants to stand for. He believes in his Heavenly Father and his Savior Jesus Christ and the advisory does not want that. I could tell that Caden was being tested by the advisory to try and discourage him or distract him on what he was about to do. But he did not win this time. Caden was so excited to be baptized and if ready to be accountable for his choices and actions. He is attended with the Holy Ghost.

When my dad took him to get his first set of scriptures they were on their was home and Caden looked at him with a big smile and said this is really all I need for my birthday.

Caden is a happy child who is very easy to please. He had not missed a night reading his scriptures and is already building up his armor of God!!!

The other exciting thing that happened of we got to bless Kendyl the same day and right after Caden was confirmed. Clay did an amazing job and was in tune with the spirit on what to bless her with. It was so great to have him be worthy to take part in these sacred moments with our kids.

My heart of so full of joy and gratitude for the love and support that family and friends showed for our family and Caden. This was a day with our first baptism and our last blessing. This is one of the moments I am loving going from 3 to 4.

P.S. I do have another son but he does not like getting his picture taken and I am the worst at remembering to take pictures with everyone. Ha ha

Ants and Gas

OK so we have two cars but really love driving the traverse. When Clay went to class the other night I asked him to leave CarLee's car seat just in case I decided to go anywhere. He was in a hurry so he left it outside. I didn't end up going anywhere and just left the seat outside. The next morning the kids and I were running late to school. I had gotten Karson and Kendyl in the car and buckled in the seat and then started getting CarLee in when I look down at her and she was covered with ants!!! I quickly get her and the car seat out. I take the car seat and start banging and shaking it to get the ants off. All of a sudden my oldest Caden stomps out of the house and says to me,"when I say I am not going to school I mean it!!" And he starts walking back into the house. I look up from my war on ants totally confused. I ask him why he is saying this and he says, " because no one will take me serious and I can't find my water bottle!!" I was so lost because I didn't even know he was looking for it ha ha. Finally after winning the war on acts and saving the day finding a water bottle we are all in the car ready to go (30 min late mind you).

I had decided to actually get dressed and do my hair and make-up. I was not in any hurry to get home. I remembered that the night before my gas light came on. So after I dropped the boys off I looked at the have and saw it was at the end. I pulled up at the pump and started to fill up the car. $2 in and it did off!!! I start it again and it keeps shutting off! I was on the phone with my aunt and she says oh maybe something is wrong with the pump so I get back into the car. I decided to go across the street to another gas station. I start pumping and it shuts off again!!!! What is going on. My aunt says maybe your gauge is broken and you really are full. I was a little upset because we have not had this car long enough for something to be broken already. I get in the car start it and start laughing. Yes the gauge was working and it was all the way to one side the full side. Ha ha ha Clay had filled it up the night before and with my crazy morning I just assumed it was still empty.

That must be what happens to your brain when you go from 3 to 4.

Clay's Story

Clay's Story

I realized with my first post I might have dropped a bomb for some and didn't really explain. I want to share with you all Clay's addiction story so you can see where it started from.

Clay and I got married April 15th 2006. When we met 3 years prior Clay was redshirting and College of Eastern Utah. After a year of school there his coach said they didn't have room for him in their program. It crushed him and shook his confidence in his ability. He took some time off of school and basketball.

A month after we got married I got a phone call at work that he was in an accident. He was doing construction and a framed wall fell and got caught on his work belt. The weight of the wall went through his legs and shattered his foot!! It was an eye opener to him on a few things. One that God loves and watched out for him. It could have been so much worst and he does not remember turning good body so it didn't hit his head. Two that life is to short to not follow your dreams and he wanted to play basketball.

After surgery and therapy he contacted an old coach and started working out with him. This coach was also a recruiter and helped people find places to play. He saw something in Clay and knew just the place for him. So we packed up our car and drove to Port Angeles Washington!! It was beautiful there and we were so blessed (I will have to share those stories another time) Clay was excited and ready to play. The first game of his college career he went up to block a shot and slipped on his way down. He fell back on to his hands. He played the rest of the game and when we got it looked at it was broken. He decided to play the rest of the season then had surgery after the season. This was where it started!

His sophomore year his wrist had not completely healed but he was determined to keep playing so he was on a lot of Tylenol and prescription pain pills during the season. When he was not playing he didn't need to take anything. After his sophomore year his wrist was still broken. So another surgery and then we were off to Montana for another 2yrs of school and basketball.

Again his wrist was not 100% so he and his Dr came up with a pain management plan. This time when he was not playing he still had pain and now a plan to deal with it, prescription pain pills. He would get a months supply every 30 days. Things were good. Slowly over time and as more stress was added to or lives there would be some months he would run out before his next refill. It would be a long few days or week.

When we left MT he was in the beginning of his addiction. It would be 4 more years of running out, stressing about getting more, random trips to the ER to get some, always thinking about them and getting like he needed one to do anything before he finally realized this was not how he wanted to live his life.

He knew that he was not taking them for pain anymore. Even though he was under a doctor's care and had a"reason" to need them it had started to control him and his every thought and action.

I am so proud of him for making the decision he did to get the help and get clean. This is a glimpse of how his addiction started. When he was in the hospital for detox he just keep saying I am so glad it didn't get as bad as it could have and I agree I am so thankful he got the help when he did!!!

This is the shirt quick version and I am sure I will refer to things again about tubes when he was in his addiction of how things are going with his recovery.

It's all part of the journey going from 3 to 4!!

Welcome to our journey from 3 to 4!!

From 3 to 4

We always said we wanted 4 kids. It was the perfect number and when we found out it was a girl it was even more perfect two boys two girls in that order. With it being #4 I waited a while before going to the Dr. I didn't really want to pay for them to tell me your pregnant come back in 3 weeks ha ha!!! By the time I went I was 16 weeks yes almost half way done!!! At 18 weeks they did an ultrasound and gave us quite a scare. We both have worked with kids/adults with all types of disabilities and my brother was actually born early and has cerebral palsy as well as a few other disabilities so we were not afraid of that but it was the waiting to find out just what we were going to be dealing with that was hard. 1 week later we finally went to the specialist and everything was fine!!! We were so happy our perfect baby for our perfect family! Everything was going great. I was feeling great, loved my job, loved my church calling and I was even doing better with cleaning and cooking. My husband and I were happy and so were my kids.

In April my wonderful husband finally admitted he was struggling with an addiction to pain pills and he wanted to get help. I had known the whole time but it was easier to just pretend everything was OK and move on, out of sight out of mind. Now that he admitted it and we were going to get him the help he needed i had to admit that there were things I had to deal with. Things were still good though he was going to meetings and so was I. I watched him go through detox in a facility away from us for two weeks then come back and face some demons and overcome a lot. I started to be more open with him about my own feelings on everything which meant letting my guard down. The pregnancy was going great and the distraction made me forget I was even pregnant some days ha ha that was nice!!! 

We were trying to figure out our living situation because our 2 bedroom apartment was not going to fit our growing family. During all this my husband was trying to decided what kind of career change he was going to make to better support our family. So we decided we would move and my husband would go back to school. We took a nice break and went to visit the in laws as our last getaway before our family grew. We traded in our Mazda 5 for a bigger Chevy Traverse so we could all fit in the car. We were ready to have a baby!! Before we knew it we were at the hospital having our sweet baby girl. She was born 7/7/15 at 8:20 pm weighing 8lbs 13oz. The birth was probably one of the most precious for us. I remember looking at my husband and seeing his emotion and love and realizing besides our first the other two kids he was still addicted to his pills and it numbed his feelings. Our family was complete. We had the whole weekend to just enjoy each other it was great then Monday came and it was time to be a mom of 4!!!

My kids are great and very active we were in a great routine at the start of the summer doing chores, swim lessons, library, homemade lunches, naps the works!!! Now we were stuck inside (we live in Arizona and in the summer it's too hot to play outside) I was recovering and nursing a newborn while with a 7,5 and 2 yr old all running around. While in my head I knew my only job was to heal and take care of our baby the super mom in me was ready to take it all on, pack up the house to move, keep my kids engaged, clean, cook and to be honest with my other kids I was able to bounce back pretty soon so I knew I could. My husband had to work some extra hrs so he didn't have his usual day off on Wednesday. I was good no worries I got this. Thursday came along and I was in my kids room yelling at them, I don't even remember what it was about but I do remember being so mad and upset and even slapping my middle child all of a sudden I lost it! I went into my room and called my husband crying! I can't do this I can't do it all!! I realized i was always yelling at my kids this week. Yeah they were not listening to me but I was really upset with them ALL the time. That's not me I am usually the calm one who wants to talk about things with them. My husband said he didn't expect me to do it ALL!! He was kind, supportive, told me to take a break from the kids they are fine to just play in their room so I can take time to myself. He also suggested I head to my parents where the kids have more room to play. Reluctantly I listened to him. I knew he was right but there was still that part of me that felt I guilty that I couldn't do it. 

Here all these great things were happening my husband had been clean for over 90 days, he was going to go to school, I was going to be a stay at home mom, and our baby girl was healthy so why was I so overwhelmed and upset all of the time! It's like I said earlier, in my mind I knew but it didn't help. I was struggling with postpartum depression and it sucked!! I had good days like when my husband was home or I was around people but the min it was just me and my kids I would turn back into that crazy mom yelling and getting upset so quickly. I have always been that person that was there for everyone else in their hard times. I would go above and beyond to help ease their pain and I felt like at my time of need I was alone. I would find myself being mad at people for not recognizing I needed help but I was pretending like I didn't need help so how were they suppose to know. I finally started telling some people but at the same time I down played how I was feeling. Even now as I write this it's hard to be so honest and vulnerable. For the last 6yrs with my husband's addiction I had to be the strong one and now I was feeling weak. I would watch my oldest try and be goofy and make us laugh but it would annoy me. My middle child was becoming even more defiant and just didn't want to listen which would set me off and he would get the worst of my anger. My daughter was so busy and always trying to hold the baby so I couldn't leave her out of my sight. I watched as my annoyance towards my oldest hurt him how my anger towards my middle just made it worst and he didn't seem to believe we loved him. I was hurting my family which just made me feel worst and the cycle would repeat!! I am still working through all of this and trying to keep my cool and take the breaks needed. It's only been two weeks since our baby was born and my Dr said this could last 4 weeks before they start to look at other options. I guess the reason I am writing this is therapeutic. I want to share it so others know they are not alone and we can come together to share our stories. I do love my life, my family and ALL of my kids!!! I have a testimony that my savior loves me and has not left me alone to deal with this. I want to be better and I hope by reaching out I can. I will continue to keep writing about how our family is doing going from 3 to 4!!!!!